Part of Heart Month, for me, is the “extra” stuff we get to do as a family, for the sake of celebrating our son, his memory and what he means to our family. Valentine’s Day is sweet and it is fun that it lands in the middle of the month, but Bubby Day is the 23rd and this year, Nick and I will be helping with Disciple Now, so we won’t be together as a family on that day. Our girls will be with their grandparents! Nick was able to take off Friday and Monday this weekend, as the girls are out of school! (another blessing that has come from the job he is in) We are so thankful! Yesterday evening we had heart pizza, cake and watched a movie! We exchanged Valentine goodies with each other and it was so nice.
We decided that today we would do some family fun things! We started with sleeping in(praises!!), we went to brunch and had a yummy family meal, laughed and visited and also had to get on to them both a million times for all the things, of course. It wasn’t picture perfect by any means. I also wasn’t in the mood to make heart shaped pancakes, do dishes or exert energy this morning, so Calico County it was. 🙂 *real life*
Ava and I went on a date to get our toes done and that was extremely nice! Spending one on one time with that girl is her jam. She loves time alone with either Nick or I and she is always filled up when that happens. We try to make that happen, however little or big the event/time is…sometimes it’s just sitting at the table together with various projects, sometimes it is going out and getting coffee or something bigger. What we’re learning, though, is how she responds and what she needs as a growing gal. It is nice that we can begin to provide that as she grows.
I have been sick for just about 2 weeks now. I was extremely sick last week for a few days, where Ava went to stay with Mimi and Pop, Nick stayed in Ana’s room and Ana on an air mattress in the room with him. I was quarantined to our room and stayed there for days. I began to rebound and went back to work Monday and Tuesday. Ana got sick in the midst of me being sick and Wednesday I had to take her home for treatments and meds all day. This roller coaster has been unpleasant, hard, extremely uncomfortable, discouraging, and down right depressing. I wondered why in the middle of this kind of month, for us, would I be so so sick, basically useless to the world. I was letting down my worship team that I lead, the staff I work with, my family who I take care of, etc. I was at a loss and felt very overwhelmed with guilt and shame for not being able to pull my weight. I know. It was probably more selfish that I was throwing pity parties about how I couldn’t do anything, then it was to just be sick.
Sometimes we get sick. Sometimes our bodies fail us and we get the flu, we have to stop life and get well. Why is this so hard for me? For you, perhaps?
My word this year is Renew and I know why for many reasons, but what I am coming away from this recent experience of being so so sick is this; my perspective needs renewal as well. I am finding what triggers anxiety and depressive tendencies in me. To be alone for a few days, unable to fill my days with activities, chores, errands, job stuff, etc I was fully aware of my inability to just be, to rely on others, to let others be a part of my world, to delegate, to trust that the people in my world actually want to help when they say they do, and know that they will. I realized how self absorbed I can truly be when I think I am the only person who can do what I do. I am thankful for so many of the people God has around me every day in ministry and work. I realized the last few weeks, that I have to actually take care of myself in order to serve. I do not have a choice, but to be real with my issues and admit where I need help and try to do better in not isolating or finding all of my identity in my job, ministry, gifting, roles, etc. Sometimes it takes the hardest moments, being completely worthless and so sick you can’t even move, to understand that none of this relies on me. I have a post it note on my computer at work that says, “It doesn’t depend on me”. You would think I would have read it a couple of times enough to believe it. It is so true though.
So, family day doesn’t look Pinterest perfect, in fact, Ana is fighting a nap right now and the house is a wreck. But, family day, this heart month is a bit less scripted and a lot more reality. It’s a little less “extra” this year and a whole lot of thankfulness that the illness is subsiding, slowly, but surely. I’m thankful for my hubs, who has kept us all alive and going through all the sickness. I’m beyond grateful for the staff I work with, my pastor and boss who extends grace upon grace to me. I am thankful for a worship team who can team up and fill in the holes when I am sick. They reassure me to just take care of myself and not feel guilty about it, and I know they mean it. I am thankful for friends who check on me and let me whine about how sickly I feel. Friends who get their mom to bring dinner to my doorstep. They are so very precious to me. I am thankful for my parents who took Ava in for 3 days to keep her away from the germs. I am thankful for my mother in law who takes care of Ana 2 days a week and will take on extra days if needed. We have a village around us and I am so very thankful for it.
Family day, for me, is remembering just how big this heart family is and how blessed we have been for 6 years (and more) to be a part of community. It is priceless.
Happy Heart Month! Hope you had a lovely Valentine’s Day! Share your heart pics anytime on Instagram or Facebook with the hashtag #findingtheheart I would love to see them!! I love getting tagged, texted etc in your heart pics! I love it so!