We’re still in this and doing fairly well. Yesterday and today were both big tests in emotional eating for me. Today and yesterday were both really tough for me in various ways. For the longest time, hard days meant I could be lazy and just drive through for dinner, cheer myself up with a soda or snack to curb anxiety/emotions…
Well, Whole30 just doesn’t cater to that kind of behavior. Also, my body just didn’t react that way or follow through with the thought because I’ve begun to adjust my hormones, etc as I’ve restricted myself to just certain things. It really is empowering to get home after a LONG and rough day to still feed myself and my kids without having gone through the drive through. I know that there will be plenty of times to come where that still might be the case, but less from emotion and more out of necessity. If that makes any sense.
So I’ve come to the point in this journey that I feel a bit bored and I need something new/fresh/different to keep myself going, so I’m looking at some recipes and trying to figure out how to do that. I can tell that I am just craving water the more I drink it. I am even getting away from sparkling waters for the bubbles, since I’m just not really craving that. Fruit is a life saver for me when needing something “sweet”… mostly lean and green meals with healthy fat. Easy and simple. But, like I said it can get boring. If you’ve done Whole30, shoot me some recipes I can try!!
Mothering tends to blare our own deficiencies and downfalls, sins and struggles at us. Most of the time it is the most inconvenient thing to deal with, but with it comes a cleansing that is maybe even more important than a Whole30. Mothering has been such an odd experience for me. It is hard to explain, but I have never had an immediate bond with any of my babies because they were all 3 rushed off for medical attention at birth. I got a glimpse and then had to go into recovery alone, as Nick would accompany our child. I didn’t get to hold Ava for 2 days. I didn’t get to hold Noah for 2.5 months. My Ana did get to be held the day she was born, just not minutes after. I am not certain that that made some big difference in my mothering per say, but as I read other stories of mothers who got skin on skin for hours after a simple and perfect labor, I often feel that sting of inadequacy and guilt. I am not sure why I was dealt the hand I was when it came to my pregnancies, birth stories and 3 c-sections, but I realize that God had his hand in it all. With all of that said, mothering hasn’t come easy for me in some ways. Loving my kids, wanting the world for them, snuggling, wanting to spoil, just make the world about them doesn’t seem to be hard. Ava was only 11 months old when we found out we were pregnant with Noah. That whole next year was ROUGH. My entire world was turned into a big mess and the things I dealt with in my mothering that year were some of the darkest moments I have and will ever walk through. Loneliness, having to leave my 15month old for multiple weeks at a time, not being rooted in our home/routines…a gravely sick child that I couldn’t help/hold/fix/comfort…then his death…then having to pick up with life and mother/take care of and nurture my child who was alive and well. Years later I know Ana is such a gift, but as I continue on this journey of mothering I have found that there is a wedge sometimes that I can’t quite explain. I feel as though some days I have put up a wall between the emotions I have with mothering and the reality I live in as a mother. I don’t know if that makes any sense. See, after Noah died, I realized that no matter how hard I pray, God’s will will be done in their lives. I didn’t get a say in my child’s life span, so why would that be any different for my other children? Some days I have a trust in the Lord that is unmatched in faith and trust…. other days that means that I am not as invested in some of the details of their lives. I feel as though I don’t make much sense here, but maybe another mom who has suffered loss can understand?
Monday was a day where I just didn’t have a choice but to feel every feeling I have about my oldest. I went ahead and just let it all out, in my car, to Jesus and then a very long voice recording to my best friend. Sometimes I get so caught up in making life work, function, routines happening, trying to help my kids with all the things and doing everything to train/love/discipline/mold/shape/ etc that I forget that 1. we have walked through so many things together 2. I love her more than I can even explain or fathom myself 3. She isn’t mine…she really is His. That can be a hard thing when you’ve watched the breath leave one of your children. These girls we are raising are His, and the things they will struggle through cannot always be fixed by me.
That is a hard reality. I won’t be able to fix it, make it work or do it for either of them when it comes to struggles, issues, growing, learning…
So I wanted to drown my emotions but I was forced to deal with them and bring them to the Lord. It is better that way. It really is. It still doesn’t make it easier or less confusing. Momming is hard. I really want to just make their lives beautiful and lovely and wonderful and full of ease. Alas, my job is to point them to Jesus, extend grace and lovingly direct them in the ways He has called us.
Whole30, for me, this time, especially is a big challenge in keeping food in its place and actually working through and dealing with things that need to be dealt with. For me, the restriction is almost a fast of sorts. It allows room for growth and work and healing to happen in areas that one wouldn’t think was effected by food.
We continue on! Thankful for the journey and hoping to see more progress and energy as we go.
Also, I’m so thankful for little reminders that I am loved. 2 friends sent things in the mail today and it really made me feel so seen and loved.
Thanks for coming along on the ride!